Archive for the ‘The Junk Drawer’ Category

Posted on February 22, 2010 - by Hubba

With Talent On Loan From God/ The Magic Of WD 40

I thought I’d do a double header today, partly because it’s been a day or two, and partly because two things really made me laugh today.

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When I was a kid, I got to listening to Rush Limbaugh because Dad listened to Rush Limbaugh.  We were very politically active and aware, and Rush Limbaugh seemed to agree with our point of view, or maybe we agreed with his.

But later, and about the same time now that I think about it, Rush went the way of the fishsticks in our family.  I don’t remember why dad quit listening to him, but us kids probably realized we could listen to some cool tunes instead of a fat guy who rustled papers into his microphone.

Fast forward ten or fifteen years, and the “cool tunes” don’t seem so cool anymore.  There are still cool tunes, they just don’t play them on midwestern top 40 radio stations.  This becomes especially obvious when you spend all winter in say, a feeding tractor with a radio.

So I got to fishing around on talk radio and NPR, and eventually found my old friend Rush, who hasn’t changed a bit.

I really don’t disagree with Rush Limbaugh on anything except his completely ignorant insistence that the Grand Old Party, unencumbered by the Grand Other Party, could fix everything.  Which paradoxically is the same as disagreeing with everything Rush says.

Whether or not I agree with him, he is still free entertainment, and pretty entertaining at that.  The unapologetic confidence, the unvarnished social truths, that bitchin’ bassline from the Pretenders.  I find it comforting somehow knowing that Rush is still on the Golden Microphone ruffling feathers.

Today I was in my pickup doing the radio station shuffle and finally settled on Rush midway through a segment.  Rush was discussing some piece of legislation that I was too late too catch.  But he was saying, and I’m probably paraphrasing a bit-

“This bill has to be aborted.  I have always been pro-choice, I believe everything should be given life, but for the first time, I am saying that something needs to be aborted.  It was conceived by the most unhappy parents in the world…”

No matter what you think of Rush Limbaugh, no matter if you’re a conservative or a liberal, no matter if you even know what the hell he was talking about, that was a brilliant piece of off-the-cuff satire.

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Frank Timmons is getting a load of cattle feed tomorrow, so we trotted out the swing-out auger in preparation.  The hopper was full of ice and old crumbled pellets.  We went and got the propane torch, and I started heating the mess so that we could open the trap door on the bottom of the hopper.

After a while it became clear that although there was still a big frozen mess in the hopper, it was not to blame for the failure of the trap door.  I finally decided that maybe the hinges on the trapdoor were rusted shut, so I walked to the shop and got the WD 40 and a hammer.  I came back, sprayed WD 40 all over the hinges, tapped on them with a hammer, and went to the other side of the hopper with my crowbar.

I never believe that WD 40 is actually going to work.  I am always sure that this will be the time that the liberal application of the stuff will be a waste.  And so I am always almost stunned when it works again.

Sure enough, the door that I had been twisting with my crowbar before, groaned grudgingly for a half inch or so.

I have no idea what they put in that stuff, dioxymethyzonepolysorbate 4 1/3, atomic waste water, angel pee, I don’t know.  But it sure works.

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Posted on February 18, 2010 - by Hubba

Lenten Privations

I decided to give up chewing tobacco for Lent.

I have been chewing more or less constantly since I was 9, or 22 years ago.  Tobacco has become an integral part of my life.  I gave up chewing the “good stuff” years ago and switched to economy brands to save money.

I have never been that concerned about ruining my health or my appearance, but at times I really have gotten tired of tobacco.  It’s just that I simply have to.  Don’t try to make that make sense.

So, I began quitting yesterday.  And it’s going pretty good.  I’ve only had one.  And yesterday afternoon I went to the Enning Store and bought almost all the gum that Carl had.  Right now I have five pieces of, let’s see,  oh yes Trident White Wintergreen in my mouth and I am happy, oh yes, we are happy, mmhmm, the precious, it burns us…

Have a better day than I will.

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Posted on February 16, 2010 - by Hubba

Look Out!

Continuing our discussion from Valentine’s Day, I think I heard that every man compares his significant other to his mother, or something like that.

My mother for several years was pregnant almost all the time, which seemed to determine her mood.  In between pregnancies it seemed she was serene, almost Buddha-like.  These periods were the punctuations between pregnancies, during which she raged from exhausted to enraged.  Here I would like to pause to make it clear that this was totally understandable.  The woman had twelve kids for heaven’s sake, and the toddlers didn’t dissappear just because she was having another one. (more…)

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Posted on February 11, 2010 - by Hubba

From the Church Bulletin

Ok I’m cheating today- this is from the St. Margaret’s Catholic Bulletin in Lakeside.  But given the weather we’ve had, and the fact that at 6 degrees above zero it felt balmy yesterday, I thought it was relevant;

Cold Is A Relative Thing

65 above zero- Floridians turn on the heat; People in South Dakota plant gardens

60 above zero- Californians shiver uncontrollably; People in South Dakota sunbathe

50 above zero- Italian and English cars won’t start; People in South Dakota drive with the windows down

40 above zero- Georgians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves and wool hats; People in South Dakota throw on a flannel shirt (more…)

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Posted on February 10, 2010 - by Hubba

Ahead of Their Time

I went to high school in Rapid City South Dakota, and hated every minute of it.  I tried very hard to sleep through all four years, only waking up on test days.

I had excellent memory retention back then (what happened to that?) and except for mathematics classes, tests were a breeze for me, particularly for some reason religion tests.  (I went to a Catholic high school.)

It was no secret, at least among my classmates, that I chewed tobacco.  On the rare occasion when I wanted to stay awake, I would chew in class as well.

Those circumstances led to a somewhat shocking ritual among my classmates on test days.  They (mostly boys of course) would begin a very vocal bidding war to get me to sit near them, with the unit of currency being a tobacco product. (more…)

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